


No more heroes

by SwedishGirl



Category: Westlife
Genre: Bromance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 19:41:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7187444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwedishGirl/pseuds/SwedishGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark's fiancé has left him and the lads gather around him to help him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No more heroes

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to be able to only write stories about Mark being hurt. I don´t know what sort of mechanisms causing that. Some sort of maternal instincts maybe... Sorry... :-)

Kian's phone rang, it was Shane.  
"-Hey, did you just get the same text from Mark as I did?" Shane said.  
"-Yes, probably..."   
"-Fuck..."  
"-Yeah..."  
  
There was silence for a moment. Then Kian said:  
"-That was pretty bad timing, wasn't it. The band ending in a few months and now this. They were together for years, like. Why now?"  
"-I don't know man. Have you spoken to Mark?"  
"-No, just got this text. I guess he sent it to all of us."  
"-So you're coming tonight, right?"  
"-Of course I am. Wouldn't dream of saying no to Mark when he asks for our support. I mean, how often does he do that? He always wants to keep everything to himself. I am glad he actually reaches out this time, I think he'll need it."  
"-Definitely. This will be tough on him."  
"-Yeah. Let's do what we can to help, alright."  
"-Absolutely. See you tonight."  
  
They hung up, and in the same instant Kian’s phone rang again. It was Nicky.  
"-Hey Ki, have you spoken to Mark today?" Nicky asked.  
"-No, but both me and Shane have received this text from him."  
"-Fuck. I got it too, so I have been trying to call him for like half an hour but he ain’t answering. I'm getting quite worried, actually!"  
"-He probably just not want to talk about it until tonight you know. Don't worry. We'll meet up with him in a few hours. Are you coming?"  
"-Of course I am!"  
  
They all arrived at Marks house later in the evening. Mark looked very tired and down, but he seemed to be holding it together quite well.   
"-Hey guys. Thanks for coming..." he said.  
They all hugged him in turn. Not the usual swift hugs this time, but hugs that lasted longer and was more affectionate.  
"-How are you holdin up?" Kian asked.  
"-I really don't wanna talk about it, lads. Can we just get really drunk and watch movies all night?"  
  
They went into the living room, sat down in the sofas, brought out the DVD:s they had been asked to bring.  
"-So, What do you guys wanna start with? Titanic?" Nicky said.  
"-That'll be alright." Mark said.  
"-Oh man, I'm gonna sob all the way through!" Shane said.  
"-Yeah, that's the point with this evening you know." Kian said. "-We are gonna cry our eyes out and get it over with. Now who wants beer and who wants whiskey?"  
  
Kian returned from Marks kitchen with loads of bottles and cans and glasses. He sat down next to Mark in the sofa. Titanic was playing on the TV and they all started to drink. 15 minutes into the movie, Shane was already sobbing. Kian and Nicky laughed and Nicky said:  
"-What the hell Shane, you are such a cry baby, the sad parts haven't even started yet!"  
"-Yeah but I know what's coming later, you know..." Shane said and wiped his eyes.  
  
Halfway through the movie they were all pretty drunk, and Mark was absolutely pissed. Kian had tried to stay a bit more sober than the others, feeling that everyone shouldn't be twisted drunk as they were actually here to support Mark. Shane now sat on the floor, sobbing even worse. Nicky was also unable to hold back the tears and Kian made jokes about them being pathetic. Mark didn't cry. He never did. Not in front of anyone. Not even the lads. Kian couldn't help wondering why. They had known each other for over twenty years. They had lived together for long periods of time, they basically knew each other inside out. They had all been crying at some point, some more than others. Shane was a very emotional person and he wasn't ashamed of it either. But Mark - none of the lads had ever seen him cry. There sure had been times when it would have been absolutely normal for him to cry, but he didn't. He turned away, walked away, looked down into the floor, stuff like that. Kian thought it probably would've been good if Mark had been able to cry to Titanic tonight, letting it all out, sort of. The others surely didn't hold back...  
  
When the movie was finished, Mark was sound asleep against Kian’s shoulder in the sofa. Shane had fallen asleep on the floor and Nicky sat in one of the chairs.  
"-Hey Nix, help me out will you. Let's get Mark to bed. He deserves a good nights sleep, not sleeping here on the couch."  
"-Of course."  
  
Mark was much taller and bigger than Kian and Nicky and they struggled to get him up from the sofa, putting his arms around their shoulders and dragging him to his bedroom. Nicky drew the curtains while Kian put a blanket over Mark. They stood there beside his bed for a moment, looking at him.   
"-Fuckin hell, you know." Nicky said.  
"-What...?" Kian answered.  
"-Well, you know. Mark. He is so sweet and nice and caring and lovely and... I just can't stand it when he is hurting. How can someone be mean to a guy like that, you know. He is the kindest man I've ever known."  
Kian stood in silence for a moment. Then he said:  
"-I was. You know. I was mean to him. Back in school, I used to bully him a few times before we got to know each other. I still feel terrible about that. Even though he has told me it was nothin and that he doesn't even remember it. But I know he does. Of course he remembers it. You know."  
"-Yeah... But I mean, you were kids. But now... How can anyone wanna hurt him. He´s the sweetest guy on earth. Really. Just look at him. He is like a teddy bear that you just wanna hug, like!"  
"-I know."  
  
They returned to the living room where Shane was still sleeping. They scooped him up from the floor and put him on one of the sofas. Nicky laid down on the other sofa and was out before Kian could say goodnight.  
  
Kian returned to Mark. He sat down on the bed and looked at his friend. He looked so small and vulnerable lying there sleeping all alone in this huge bed. Kian wanted to make him feel safe. So he decided to lay down, fully dressed, next to him on the bed. When he did, Mark opened his eyes for a second.  
"-Kian...?" Mark slurred.  
"-Yeah Mark, I'm right here."  
Kian saw a shadow of a smile in Marks face. Then Mark reached for Kian’s hand and went back to sleep.  
  
There they were. Kian wide awake, in Marks bed, holding Marks hand. Mark sleeping curled up next to him. Kian sat there for a long time. Thinking things through. Thinking about Mark. About the other lads. About their friendship. About how proud he was to have such great mates.  
  
The next morning Nicky was up first, despite the quite heavy amount of alcohol he had the night before. He was making breakfast for everyone in the kitchen. He found his way well around Mark´s kitchen, this was not the first time he had been sleeping over.  
  
Shane came into the kitchen yawning.  
"-Oh fuck. I'm so hungover, it's not even funny."  
Nicky smiled.   
"-And all cried out too..."   
"-Fuck off, Nicky..." Shane said, smiling back.  
"-You realized of course that the point with watching Titanic yesterday was to get Mark to cry, not you..."  
"-You know I can't watch stuff like that. I can't even watch cartoons without crying. So, where is Kian? And where is Mark?"  
"-Mark is asleep in his bedroom, I think. We dragged him there yesterday after you passed out. Not sure where Kian is, though. Maybe you should go check on Mark."  
"-Okay."  
  
Shane went back to Marks bedroom and found Mark and Kian sound asleep. Mark in his boxers and t-shirt, tucked under the blankets, and Kian fully dressed beside him. They were sleeping like babies. All curled up, facing each other. Shane smiled and went back to the kitchen.   
"-They are both out cold. In Marks bed. Together. Quite cute, actually." Shane laughed.  
Nicky laughed as well, shaking his head.  
"-Alcohol and heart break do the weirdest things to you..."  
"-Obviously." Shane laughed.  
  
Kian woke before Mark and when he sat up in bed, Mark woke too.  
"-Hey, how are you feelin," Kian said softly.  
"-Oh fuck. I feel like I'd rather die..." Mark moaned.  
Kian laughed.  
"-You can't. We need you to stay alive for at least six more months so we can finish the tour." Kian joked.  
"-Fantastic..." Mark said, putting a pillow over his face.  
  
In the same moment, Nicky and Shane entered the room.  
"-Aaw, look at the love birds..." Nicky joked.  
"-Fuck off, Nicky." Mark said from beneath the pillow.  
"-Did you sleep well?" Shane asked.  
"-I did." Kian said. "-This bedroom is fantastic, it is quiet and dark and everything."  
  
"-Now, who wants breakfast!" Nicky said.  
"-I don't think I can eat, actually. I don't even think I can get out of bed. Ever again." Mark said.  
"-Okay. So, you don't have to get out of bed." Nicky said. "-We'll have breakfast in bed! All of us! And you don't have to eat. I'll just make you a cup of tea."  
  
They all sat in Marks bed, eating breakfast, talking about random stuff like soccer, music, movies, whatever. After a while, Nicky thought it would be better to try and address the subject they were all trying not to talk about.   
"-So, Mark, do you wanna talk about what happened.....you know...." Nicky tried.  
"-Look, lads, I really really appreciate you being here. You know that, right. I do love you guys. But I just can't talk about it. I just can't..."  
Mark shook his head, looking away.  
"-That's cool, man. You don't have to. Just, you know, if and when you feel like talking about it, we're here for you, right guys?"  
"-Absolutely." Shane said.  
"-One hundred percent." Kian said.  
"-I know. Thanks. I do appreciate it." Mark looked down into his tea, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.  
The others backed off and started to talk about other things again, knowing that Mark was not comfortable being emotional in front of them.   
  
They spent over an hour in bed, eating breakfast and chatting away. Mark was mostly silent and looked really tired.   
Finally, Nicky said:  
"-So lads, let's go clean this up. Mark, why don't you sleep for a couple of hours and then when you feel up to it you can come join us. We'll be in the living room playing PlayStation."  
"-Okay..." Mark said.  
"-Will you be okay? Just give us a shout if you need anything, okay?" Kian said.  
"-Okay. Thanks."  
  
Mark laid down on his bed and closed his eyes while the others collected tea cups and stuff and headed out to the kitchen. He could hear them out there, doing the dishes and talking. He felt so grateful for them coming here yesterday to support him when he was down. He felt like he wanted to cry, but he just...couldn't. It was like if his emotions were shut off. He just laid there alone, feeling as if his body weighed a thousand tons. Feeling as if he would never be able to get out of bed ever again.  
  
The other lads checked on him every now and then. He pretended to be asleep every time. He didn't have the strength right now to make conversation, he just wanted to lay here and listen to the voices of his friends out there. He felt safe and secure laying here, hearing them out there.  
  
"-He´s in some kind of denial, I think.” Shane said. “I expected him to be really sad, you know. But it's like he's just...shut down."   
"-Well, you know. He's always been like that. Disappearing into his own world when not feeling okay. Not wanting to talk about it." Kian said.  
"-Speaking of which, have any of you guys ever seen him cry, like? I know I haven't. But you have known him since you were like 12?" Nicky said.  
"-He was bullied quite a lot in school and I think he learnt back then to keep it inside himself, you know. Didn't want the bullies to see how hurt he was, I guess. I don't think I've ever seen him cry, no." Shane said. "-Seen him getting very emotional and stuff you know, but crying, no."  
"-It would probably be good for him to be able to let go of the control and actually show his feelings in front of us. We surely do, from time to time." Nicky said.  
"-Yeah. I don't think it's gonna happen, though." Kian said.  
"-I think we should try. I was thinking we could take him to his favorite place, you know the high cliffs down by the ocean? That´s his sort of thinking-place where he use to go all alone." Shane said.  
"-Yeah." Kian said.  
"-Let's go there together this afternoon. Maybe the place itself will be able to bring out something in him."  
"-Yeah, okay. Might as well give it a shot."  
  
After a couple of hours, Shane checked on him again. This time he didn't pretend to be asleep.  
"-Hey..." Shane said softly, and sat down on the edge of the bed beside Mark.  
"-Hey..." Mark whispered back.   
"-Tired, huh...?"  
"-Yeah... I don't feel well at all. So fucking tired. I don't know if I´m just really hangover or if I'm coming down with something. Sorry..."  
"-Don't be. Wanna come out to the living room, if I help you? You can just lay in one of the sofas while we're playing PlayStation. You don't have to talk or anything, it's just nice to have you around, you know."  
Mark was silent for a moment, then took a deep breath and decided that Shane's idea wasn't so bad. He felt it didn't do him any good to be alone right now anyway. He just ended up thinking too much.  
"-Okay..." he said.  
"-Okay, wanna be wrapped up in your blanket, or...?"  
"-Yes, please. I'm freezing."  
"-No problem."  
Shane helped him to stand up and put the blanket over his shoulders and wrapped a helping hand around his back and then they went into the living room and sat down in one of the sofas.  
"-Want anything from the kitchen?" Shane asked. "-I'm gonna have a coffee, I think."  
"-No thanks, I'm fine."  
  
Shane went into the kitchen and Mark just sat there watching Nicky and Kian playing, listening to their laughs and their little argues. It felt nice knowing they were here. He needed them, but he didn't know how to show them that. He only hoped that they already knew.   
  
Minutes became hours and Mark lost track of time, it was all like a blur to him. He felt so down and tired and he felt like he should probably cry or scream or break something, but he just couldn't. He couldn't even move. It was as if his body had turned into concrete. No energy left. It was almost a scary feeling.  
  
Suddenly the lads gathered around him in the sofa. He hadn't even noticed that they'd quit playing the game. Shane was holding Marks jeans and a sweater in his hands and all of a sudden, they were all helping him to get dressed. Mark couldn't think straight, he saw them talk but couldn't hear the words properly. And he didn't really care that they were helping him to get dressed as if he was a two year old. He just let them. Thankful for not having to think, not having to move, not having to do anything at all.  
  
They helped Mark to stand up, and Kian put an arm around his waist and they slowly started to make their way to the front door. Someone helped Mark putting shoes on and someone helped him put a jacket and a baseball cap on. Then they headed for the car.  
  
Shane was driving and Mark was sitting in the back with Kian. The car trip could've lasted five minutes or five hours, Mark didn't know. At some point, Kian put a hand on Marks thigh:  
"-Are you coping alright?" trying to get eye contact but not succeeding. All Mark could do was shake his head.  
Mark knew he acted strange. He wanted to look Kian in the eyes and answer him, but he just couldn't. He felt dizzy and a very unpleasant feeling was beginning to creep in. At first it wasn't that obvious, but soon it became pretty intense. He felt his heart rate starting to increase and his breathing becoming faster. He thought he could hear his own heart beat in his ears, and the sound became louder and louder, and he had trouble focusing his eyes. He tried to relax and breathe slower but by now it was like if his body was disconnected from his mind. He felt even dizzier and started to feel nauseous.  
  
Right then, the car slowed down. They had reached the cliffs and Shane parked the car. By now Mark was scared of what was happening to him and he wanted to say something, ask for help, but he was not able to. The feeling was unreal. It was as if he was shut off from the rest of the world and experiencing something really frightening all by himself, even though he was surrounded by friends.  
  
Kian leant forward, unbuckling Marks seat belt and Mark did the only thing he could do - he reached out and grabbed Kian’s arm so hard that it hurt. A desperate grip, as if his life depended on it.   
"-Kian..."  
Mark was keeping his head down but Kian could hear the fear in his voice, could hear him struggling to breathe, and could feel the desperate grip on his arm.   
"-Mark...?" Kian said, putting his other hand on Marks shoulder. Felt Mark trembling.  
"-Mark, are you alright?" Kian said. Mark didn't answer, he only shook his head, tightening his grip on Kian’s arm even more and reaching for the seat in front of him with his other hand. He felt so dizzy that he needed to hold on to something.  
Mark didn't realize what was happening to him, but Kian immediately did.  
"-He's having a panic attack, guys. Help me out here."  
  
Mark was unable to move, unable to speak. His head was spinning, he couldn't hear what his friends were saying. He was scared. He gave in completely and let the others take command. He realized he needed them now.  
  
He felt strong hands pulling him out of the car. His legs didn't carry him anymore. He felt hands grabbing his arms, supporting him. His heart was beating even faster and now he was shaking.  
"-Can't breathe.... Can't breathe...." he heard himself say, shaking his head. His hands grabbing, trying to get hold of something to hold on to, grabbing Kian´s shirt desperately.  
He felt his knees buckle and felt how the supportive hands still held on to him but let him kneel down on the ground. Kian knelt down right in front of him and grabbed his shoulders and said:  
"-Breathe with me Mark. You're having a panic attack. Breathe in…and out. In…and out."  
He tried, but he couldn't breathe the way Kian asked him to. It was impossible. He couldn't control his breathing at all and now he was shaking even worse. He was unable to speak, just shaking his head. Felt like he didn't get any oxygen. The world was spinning and he kept his head down, clinging to Kian.  
"- C'mon, Mark. Breathe. Look at me. Breathe. Easy. It's not dangerous, it will pass, you're gonna be fine in a minute."  
  
Mark could hear Kian's calm voice trying to guide him, trying to calm him down. But Mark wasn't able to follow his instructions. He had no control whatsoever anymore. Mark thought he was going to die. He thought this was the end. His life would end right here, on these cliffs by the ocean, in the arms of his friends. He couldn't breathe, his heart was racing, his body was trembling, and finally...  
  
...Mark started to cry.  
  
Silent tears came streaming down his face and suddenly all of the pressure he'd built up inside himself just disappeared and he collapsed against Kian, who wrapped him in a bear hug, holding him tightly.   
"-It's okay. I've got you." Kian whispered.  
Mark hid his face against Kian’s neck and held on to him as if his life depended on it. Kian didn't let go. Never would. He could stand here for weeks on end if that's what Mark needed. Nicky had also knelt down beside them and was holding a protective hand on Marks back. Shane took off his jacket and wrapped it around Marks shoulders.  
  
They stood there for a long time. The trembling subsided slowly. At last, Mark could feel his heart rate slowing down, and he could feel that it was easier to breathe again. The lads slowly parted and sat down on the grass. No one said anything. There wasn't much to say, really. After a few moments, Mark said:  
"-Oh fuck, can't stop crying..." and wiped his face with his still slightly trembling hands.  
"-That's good, Mark." Shane said. "-I think you needed a good cry, it was about bloody time."  
The lads laughed and Mark giggled through his tears.  
"-I'm so pathetic."  
"-You're not. You're human. And we love you to bits. You know that." Shane said.  
  
After a few more minutes, Mark said:  
"-Help me up, will you. Wanna go out on the cliffs."  
They all walked out onto the cliffs and stood there feeling the power of nature. The ocean rolling beneath the cliffs, the storm roaring in their ears. It was too loud to talk out here, but it was a good place to think. And cry. They stood there for a long time, silent tears rolling down Marks face.  
  
After a while Mark pointed back to the car and started walking back slowly. Shane put an arm around his back and they all headed back to the car.  
  
Back inside the car, Mark wiped his face again:  
"-Oh for god’s sake. I literally can't stop crying. It's nuts."  
"-Keep em coming, man. I think you have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to crying..." Shane said, and the others started to laugh. Mark giggled again. Then he went serious and said:  
"-I actually thought I was gonna die. Couldn't breathe or anything, you know."  
"-Panic attack." Kian said. "-Perfectly normal when you are a stubborn fucking idiot who refuses to show your feelings even to your best friends when you're actually a total wreck."  
Mark smiled.  
"-But seriously though, I don't know what would've happened if I got one of those when I was alone. If you hadn't been here calming me down."  
"-Well you know, that's why we're here." Kian said "-And we'd do it again as many times as it takes. You know that."   
"-Yes. I know that. Thank you."  
  
During the trip back to the house, Mark was mostly silent. But the lads didn't feel the same worry anymore. The wall Mark had put up around himself had been torn down and everyone could see that he felt much better. When they got home, Nicky ordered pizza for everyone and they settled in the living room again to watch a movie. Finally, Mark was able to open up and tell his friends about the break-up and they could all discuss it and help him sort his thoughts. Mark had thought that he would feel awkward and stupid, discussing this with them. But he didn't. Not for a moment. They were all genuinely supportive and caring.  
  
It was way past midnight when they staggered off to bed. Nicky and Shane used the guest room this time. They hadn't thought of it last night when they were twisted drunk. But tonight, Mark had reminded them that the guest room was available and that there was a bed in there with enough room for two people.  
"-So Mark, do you mind sharing bed with me again or shall I sleep on the couch?" Kian said.  
"-Don't be silly. Of course you can sleep in my bed. There's enough space. I promise I won't touch you..." Mark joked, and Kian gave him a little push and said:  
"-Get outta here... I know I am not your type, anyway..."  
Mark laughed.  
  
Mark went off to sleep pretty fast and Kian lay awake for a few moments, thinking about the day that had passed. He had been scared when Mark had the panic attack. But now, Mark seemed fine. A bit sad of course, but in a perfectly normal way. Mark was going to be fine, Kian just knew that. And as he drifted off to sleep, he rolled over and wrapped his arm around Mark.  
  
The end.


End file.
